Feeling the Fear and doing it anyway…going to motivational seminars…reading books…meditating…Praying..Asking When was it going to be my turn God? What’s wrong with me? I am a good person. I give and help others. Oh the nights I cried and cried…the Days I cried.. How often I beat up on myself!!!! More often than not!!! Still pushing forward…still going towards my goals…still still moving…
Until One Day in Feb. of 2003 I had what the Doctors called an Episodic Event. My intestines exploded in my body cavity. You have got to be kidding me? I thought. What the Hell? Just when I finally started getting my business back up and running, though a little wobbly, but up….Now? Now I am going down for the count?…SHIT!!!! This cannot be happening to ME…not me this GOOD person. I don’t deserve this shit. WELL Folks needless to say it did!!!
My intestines exploded in my body cavity. I had so much poison in my system that it moved up to my lungs and was on it’s way towards my heart. Blood system contaminated…part of my intestines went gangrened and had to be removed, my bowels were surgically detached. And I had a bag attached to the outside of my body. And it didn’t look like I was going to survive this. I was unconscious for days. I had a near death experience during all of this trauma and when I finally became conscious I was extremely pissed. Pissed for days. Woke up knowing everything about everything then forgot it all or felt like I did.
Months of recuperation laid ahead of me and more surgery more hospital stays. 8 months of not working on much of anything and almost 1 year of not earning any money. Evicted again. Me and my sons back at my good friends home in January of 04…Started working again…two full time jobs…back to back…but still could not seem to move out of her place into a place of my own. Slept on her couch again…ARGH….Why God? I am working my ass off…I am a good person.
What the Hell? This cannot be happening!!!!!
While in a meditation one day…I heard clearly…If you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you got!!! and then silence for two weeks. No more answers to my questions…Pissed again…that’s it? That’s the answer to my questions?…I am working really hard God…really hard here…and that’s all the advice you got to give to me? What more can I be doing? Shit! One day I saw the film Ground Hog day with Bill Murray and realized that was me…that was my life….LOL Damn.
So I started to see if I could see things differently. I started to do things I liked. Things started to change…I decided in April 05 that I was going to be an Actress…I had always dreamed of being one and well damn it why not me. Things started to change. Action was taken but still the FEAR was running in the background and I just didn’t know how to get rid of it. I was facing my fears but more would pop up…ARGH!!!! Unworthiness started to show itself too…Damn!!! Where the hell was all this stuff coming from? I felt good about some things but some stuff I felt really really bad about. Then my friend asked me to leave her place in Oct of 05…Well here we go again. Damn!!!
This was getting ridiculous!! My youngest son and I moved in with my Dad…my oldest son had by now gotten his own place…My youngest son stayed for as long as he could then went to live with his Dad…By now all of my possessions that had been in storage…everything in November of 05 had been sold in an Auction!!!…
and one December 11, 2005 while I was journaling I asked God these questions:
What would you do to create the life that I see as me? How would you go about living as me? What would you be thinking? How would you be creating? How would you go about having life and having it more abundantly? How ould you create the love of your life, the money to do those things you would enjoy doing as me? How would you create a perfect and healthy body as me? How would you create the most loving relationships as me?, knowing that most times I believe what appears in my world…how would you go about creating these desires you planted inside of me? How would you allow you in and give you room to move in my life?
The Answer came for me On December 19th, 05 I found out about a book called Ask and it is Given and Abraham. On December 22, 05 I had the book in my hand..and I started to do some of the Processes in it and haven’t stopped re-reading it over and over again, because every time I read it or listen to their CD’s I read or hear something I swear was not there before. Each time I am at a different vibrational range than I had been, so I hear and read and receive different things now.
On May 21, 2006 I had a sit down with Abraham at a workshop in TarryTown NY. Who is Abraham? Visit this site and read and listen to the download www.abraham-hicks.com. They read me like an open book. They read my vibrations. If you want to see what they said to meCLICK HERE scroll down to Jan 11, 2007, Stand if you think it’s You to read that. It may be of some value to you, it may not, but they knew exactly where I was and what I wanted to know without me using all of the right words to convey what I was meaning. They, Abraham reminded me of who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. The rest was, is up to me.